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I was reading the book: "Wit" rides again by Des MacHale and I picked some of the quotes I found hilarious
I hope you'd find them amusing as much as I did

- Homework is something teenagers do during commercials.
Brenda Davidson

- With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law and every time they make a law it's a joke.
Will Rogers

- An airplane full of lawyers was hijacked by terrorists. They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
Denis Leary

- Lawyers get you out of the kind of trouble you'd never get into if there were no lawyers.
Ken Alstad

- I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home again.
Robert Obern

- There are three ages of man: youth, middle age and "You're looking terrific".
Fulton J. Sheen

- Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
David Frost

- Bachelorhood, like being alive, is more depressing than anything but the known alternative.
P.J.O'Rourke

- Hawaii: it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife and sharks for the mother-in-law.
Ken Dodd

- You know you are getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Hy Gardner

- I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
Joan Rivers

- When you get married, the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.
Yakov Smirnoff

- If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Stuart Turner

- She said she would scream for help. I told her I didn't need any help.
Bob Hope

- Whatever you say against women, they are better creatures than men, for men were made of clay, but women were made of man.
Jonathan Swift

- A man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets she took him.
John Simpson

- There is, of course, no reason for the existence of the male sex except that sometimes one needs help with moving the piano.
Rebecca West

- The difference between my wife and a terrorist is that you can negotiate with a terrorist.
Frank Carson

- There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.
Mark Twain

- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey

Stolen